The daughters boyfriend question/opinion

[Petescj]

Well Im upset with my daughters boyfriend for the first time. Let me lay the backround for you all to start. They are 15 and have been together steady for about 7 months. Hes been friends with all 3 of our kids since they were around 6 years old so I feel I know him pretty well. He comes from a broken home and never met his real father. A few years ago his step father abandoned him well after splitting with his mom. Quite frankly he reminds me alot of myself at his age.

Anyhow over the last few months Ive kinda taken him under my wing and thought we had a good relationship. I had him do some odd jobs around my house and that gave him some spending money. I in turn worked like a fool and paid his way for the vacation we took to Va. Beach and Kings Dominion Park. We had to rent a Suburban to go there in 8 passenger style. I figure he cost me about $1000 altogether but it would be a good time for him. Im no prude but while we were there he bought a pair of Pot leaf earrings and proceeded to have his other ear pierced after I was sleeping. Ive had open conversations with all 4 kids before and I know they dabbled in Marajuana. I respected them all for their honesty and all 4 said they dont do it anymore anyway.

Im not retarded and could see the tell tale signs pretty quick. Bags of Doritos gone in a flash followed by other snacks. The need to go right upstairs after coming home from a "walk". 2 liter bottles of soda downed at break neck speed.

Anyhow the real root of this problem is the boy broke my trust in him. He bought a Pot leaf shirt and hid it from us intentionally till he got home. His Mom called me about it last nite. Im none to happy. Hiding it from me is like lying to me. Im old school. He betrayed my trust. I told my daughter hes not allowed over at all this week. This is more for his benefit not mine. I need too cool off. Vicki thinks I may be over reacting. I think there should be more of a penalty because of the lying. Idve been ok with the shirt and talked with him about it more had I known.

I needed to vent but would enjoy your opinions and comments as well. If you hung around for that long winded post God Bless You.

 

[TroyaCantrell]

Hey Pete,

Let me start with the disclaimer that we have no biological children of our own. However, we have had a significant role in raising my wife's nephew and almost had to adopt his sister, 10 year younger, because their mother is a useless individual. She is in her 30's now and never worked a day in her life, CPS involved, etc. The only men that stuck around were not there for long and he has no father in the picture. Not even sure who it is.

To the point, I don't think you are over reacting, we are pretty fiscally conservative but a bit more socially liberal so not really up tight. Sounds similar. You have got to get their attention and respect if you want a chance with him. He has to know that he disappoint you and what disappointed you. Yeah, not happy with the choice to do drugs but that is different conversation. You are pissed off because he lied to you. They need boundaries or they will get out of control.

Stick in there for his sake, you may be all he has to cling to.

We were successful with our nephew, just graduates Navy boot camp, but it was a lot of work undoing his mother's bad influence.




Troy Cantrell
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Build thread - '66 CJ6 :
http://www.jeep-cj.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15075

 

[Old Dog]

Pete, FWIW I think you need to sit them all down and tell them what's making you mad and why. After raising 2 daughters (both married now) I've found that teenagers just don't get it sometimes until you look them in the eye and tell it to them straight up.
I would probably leave the smoking out and keep it to the lying and hiding things from you, keep it simple.

 

[Bowbender]

RI agree, I think a caring conversation is in order. This young man needs to realize that the path he's started down will make life a lot harder than it needs to be. Hopefully he'll recieve it and your relationship will be better for it.
Maybe another conversation with your daughter about what kind of man she wants to be involved with.
This is coming from a protective father of three girls. It isn't always easy, but it's worth it.

 

[Tin Medic]

I guess I am from a different mind set. The lying and hiding the shirt are a serious issue if he wants to keep your trust but the drug use while dating my underage daughter, well he's lost his mind. Not in my house and not around my family. If he is interested in a serious relationship with your daughter he might consider playing by your rules. I have a teenage daughter myself and 2 boys 18 and 12. Do drugs and there's the door, don't let it hit you on the way out. My daughter knows my requirements for any guy that wants to date her.

 

[IOPort51]

IMHO, You have one responsibility to your children, to teach them right from wrong. We are not allowed to pick the hand we must play, some draw good and loose and some draw poor and win. We all make our own choices, for better or worse and no parent can make choices for their children. Ask your Daughter what she thinks is right and what is wrong, in this or any other situation, and you will know where you stand.

this whole parent thing would have been easier if they gave you the operation and service manual when you left the hospital.

As the proud father of a 25 year old Daughter who managed to become a contributing member of society, in spite of my influence, I wish you luck.

 

[thiswontbetooexpensive]

Both of my kids are young; 6 and 8. I can't say I didn't do the illegal things from time to time as a teenager, but lying is was and forever will be unacceptable. I made the decision that drugs were illegal about the age of 20. Mainly due to taking a job where random drug screening was the norm. Also had to think how I would face my wife if I got arrested for what I had in my truck! (The song Lucky Seven by Blackberry Smoke pretty much describes me from 15 to 20!)

Lies get you no where in a hurry. It is highly likely that my kids won't get in too much trouble if they fess up to mistakes. I've seen me do it before. We all make mistakes, the difference is in who owns them.

Just say what you mean and mean what you say to these kids. It helps me to cool off and really articulate my thoughts a lot of times! Dissapointing my dad was always heavy on my mind through my teenage years and the truth always went a long way with that man...

 

[Scooter402]

I'll preface this with yes, I understand that I'm not old enough to give any advice here, especially since I have no children of my own, much less teenagers at that.

But what I do have experience with is being on the "flip side of the coin" here, if you will. Having had a great relationship with every girlfriend's dad that I have ever had (all up to my current father in law...but that's a whole different rant) I would say you are perfectly in line. Especially since you are essentially a father figure to the boy. Then, I may not have understood, but now -- I greatly appreciate a father figure laying down the law and showing me right from wrong.

Sad to say, but my dad wasn't exactly around a lot from the time I was 3 or 4 when my parents split. My mom re-married, but my step dad was/is a truck driver. So I saw him maybe a couple times a month.

Anyway, I think you're doing the right thing. Have a heart-to-heart with the boy, let him know what's on your mind. Let him know you're still on his side, but that he did do something wrong.

 

[BrockGrimes]

I'm old school. I don't do drugs never have. Keep that away from my kid and it's all good. I took my nieces boyfriend out an had a similar talk and then demonstrated my shooting ability with a .308 at 1000yrds. He's a well behaved individual my brother says.

 

[thescot]

Id assume by now the younger ones see something is eating away at you. Like others have indicated, I think a talk is in order. I for one do not believe your likely to change his mind on use, but these days its about respect and honesty amongst one another cause what else is there really?. What is,is, but doing this while in your presence isnt OK.
Id sit em down, tell them straight up whats on your mind and let them decide for themselves where they go next.

 

[BajaEdition]

Pete this is a kind of hard situation
first off, you did not raise this kid and your influence is not his primary influence, he is a product of what has happened to him, and his primary influences up to this point.
second off, not being his child, your not responsible for his upbringing, however you have taken on his presence you cannot expect him to honor you like the way your children do or even look upon you as his authority figure.
having said that
I think you have a opportunity to make a point that could make an effect on the rest of his life.

I would get the shirt from his mother and cal him over for a talk, tell him how you feel, and how you want to protect your kids from the pot influence. Tell him that until they are 18 they are your children and therefore must accept your authority.
Let him know his next choice will be his alone and that he will decide how the future with you and your family goes.
He can go out back with you and burn the shirt in the Grill, or walk out the front door with it.
And let him know he is in control of the decision, and that it will have an immediate effect on if your daughter is allowed to see him, or if he is even allowed back into your house.

Let him know his decisions will effect him for the rest of his life and he needs to stat making smart ones now.

Let him know, Cool does not pay money. If he had wore a shirt like that you would have not have let him on the vacation. That if he wants to be cool he can find a way to finance times like such.

 

[jdcaples]

<snip>


Im not retarded and could see the tell tale signs pretty quick. Bags of Doritos gone in a flash followed by other snacks. The need to go right upstairs after coming home from a "walk". 2 liter bottles of soda downed at break neck speed.

<snip>
I needed to vent but would enjoy your opinions and comments as well. If you hung around for that long winded post God Bless You.

Uh, I never did drugs. At 15, I did go for walks just to get out of the house, downed a liter of water in record time, belched loudly and had to pee shortly after so I'd hit the bathroom 'cuz I got caught pissing on a neighbor's garden.

I also wolfed down snacks w/o warning and in massive quantities. My mom was concerned. My doctor told her, "Jon's 15. He could win an eating contest against anyone over 30."

I agree with most of the advice in this thread so far; talk to him, give him the opportunity to set some expectations of himself.

That's right. Tell him why you're irked. Do this in the presence of his mom, maybe another adult he respects... teacher, school counselor....

Ask him what you may expect of him in front of witnesses so he knows it's not just between you and him, but the community is raising him.

Then tell him if that's good enough or not and what he can expect from you.

I hope this helps. You don't want to face off with a Romeo/Juliet type of alliance. Open communication is the only way to head off that kind of drama.

-Jon

 

[susie]

How did this pan out?

My Bubba turned 13 in August. He is infatuated with pot leaves. But he doesnt smoke pot. It is a current fashion thing. Think about the music they listen to. Everything is drugs, drinks, sex. BUT the sneaking and the lies...NO!

But it was said that you are the male role model at this time, correct? Use it to your advantage. Pull him aside, and tell him how it is. Also have that talk with your daughter. Make sure she knows that 'swag' doesnt pay the bills.

Its hard to get the little buggers to talk too. It wont be easy. Good luck!